I’m back in the world now. Trying to make it fit. Trying to keep the wild in my eyes and the peace in my heart. Trying not to cry.
I think of nature. Not the woods in specific, not the mountain either, but all of it. The big everything. I hope that I can hold on to it. Take it with me.
I told a friend in Seattle that the thing that I knew was going to kill me now, is how little I feel like I need to explain in the woods. How I don’t have an urge to make anything at all understood. I can actually just be. How refreshing that has been. How well taken care of I feel, and at home too. I have no words for so many of the things I felt out there, and the things I feel now. How can you be a human without needing to be understood? I felt so loved by the raging waters, so accepted by the trees, so respected by the other creatures.
Not to say that I need poeple less, either. If anything, I find myself needing them more than ever. Friends, family, and strangers alike. I can’t feel anything but love for them. I wish I could just show them what I’ve gained, in a way that they could gain it too.
I don’t know how to say what I need to say right now. Perhaps in time.
I just don’t want life to be any less profound than it feels right now. I think I’m scared. Not of being unimportant, but of assigning things the wrong importance. I’m fearful of closing up in any way. I’m full of dread for the misunderstandings. I miss the trail.