Kicking and Screaming

I’m back in the world now. Trying to make it fit. Trying to keep the wild in my eyes and the peace in my heart. Trying not to cry.

I think of nature. Not the woods in specific, not the mountain either, but all of it. The big everything. I hope that I can hold on to it. Take it with me.

I told a friend in Seattle that the thing that I knew was going to kill me now, is how little I feel like I need to explain in the woods. How I don’t have an urge to make anything at all understood. I can actually just be. How refreshing that has been. How well taken care of I feel, and at home too. I have no words for so many of the things I felt out there, and the things I feel now. How can you be a human without needing to be understood? I felt so loved by the raging waters, so accepted by the trees, so respected by the other creatures.

Not to say that I need poeple less, either. If anything, I find myself needing them more than ever. Friends, family, and strangers alike. I can’t feel anything but love for them. I wish I could just show them what I’ve gained, in a way that they could gain it too.

I don’t know how to say what I need to say right now. Perhaps in time.

I just don’t want life to be any less profound than it feels right now. I think I’m scared. Not of being unimportant, but of assigning things the wrong importance. I’m fearful of closing up in any way. I’m full of dread for the misunderstandings. I miss the trail.

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